Saturday, December 5, 2009

the good life

though my blog and the thoughts i share here are fairly new, some of you have walked through this crazy journey of motherhood with me for the past 3 1/2 years and have known my struggles. you've seen me hate it, wonder why being a mom wasn't always what i thought it would be, and wonder why everybody else seemed to adore their kids and always have matching bib/burp cloth combos for them and i left mine in my car in the driveway one day hoping somebody would take them. you've seen me experience the death of a dream when the job i had waited my entire life for finally came calling in the form of a husband, kids, and a home to keep, and i was disappointed beyond the ability to hide it when it was accompanied by colic, months of no sleep, whacked out hormones, and depression. others of you might know me but didn't know that the pictures i posted on facebook at the time were only a facade (gasp! facebook, a facade?). we looked like a sweet, happy family, but the majority of months since june 2006 have been filled with my kids screaming, me screaming back at them, me screaming at brett because i wanted to be mad at somebody that i couldn't control my kids and didn't know who else to be mad at, and brett trying to start and run a company and still love and serve his crazy wife and screaming kids. in an effort to try and figure out how to like my life again, i started a cupcake company with my sweet friend pollye to add to the chaos. sounds pretty bad, huh? it was. and granted it's easier to say this since i'm saying "i WAS crazy and didn't like my kids" and not "i AM crazy and don't like my kids", but i have good news to report: i love my life and i adore my kids so much that i want to bite them. i really do. sometimes i squeeze them so hard i think i hurt them. while i used to live for times i could get away from them for a weekend trip, now if i'm away for an evening, i can't wait to get home to them and go in their room to stare at their sweet sleeping faces. i tear up when i look at the little angels deep in sleep and wonder how i could ever think i would have been better off never having kids. they ask me all the time when they are going to grow up and be like me and i tell them what i wish i could make happen: "i'm not letting you grow up. you're gonna be my little girl forever and i'm always going to hold you and hug you and kiss you and love you more than anybody in this world". i can say it over and over again that i regret the years i spent running from them, but if it hadn't happened, i wouldn't be able to see god's incredible work in opening my heart to love these 2 kids more than i ever could have imagined. now that they are in school 2 days a week, i treasure the days they're not because i see how quickly it will be 5 days that they are away from me. i'm not ready for it. i never thought i would say that, but i'm not. i love the days we spend together playing and running errands and making up silly songs and laughing. they're my little buddies now, and i must say they make really good companions. they make me laugh all day long and they're just fun...like i have these new little friends. i don't know why i felt the need to tell you all of this. i just had a sentimental moment thinking about how much i love my kids and i like to capture these thoughts for memories' sake, plus i thought i would share it in case you've wondered where my mental state is after the times i've talked about them driving me crazy. god's sweet gift of kids and the love he grows in our heart for them+ the most loving, supportive, and grace-giving man i've ever known walking through it with me (+lexapro :)) = bliss.

6 comments:

  1. Hey Nicole! I just found your blog. =) I'll add you to my list of blogs to "stalk." =)
    This last post is so raw. And so beautiful. You could write a book one day, for others.
    PS- Your blogspot looks so different from all the rest, even the comment section. Hmmm...
    ~kim collins

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  2. Great post! I feel like you felt sometimes...it is hard being a new mom and trying to find your way into "mom world." Ford is a great baby, but hard to take out in public, so I end up being home most of the time. I am trying to enjoy everyday b/c I know he will be big soon@

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  3. perfect. this is my favorite post, yet. i always look forward to reading your blog, you are such an inspiration. i just love you, nicole.

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  4. Nicole, I wish I had YOU as a friend when I was a mom of a young toddler. The things you wrote are so very true and honest. If only everyone would admit to those feelings....we would ALL feel better about ourselves and our own journey. I love you. I have always thought.....and this is absolutely true.....that you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I still think this.....because you ARE. To me, you are. And now to find out that not only are you beautiful on the outside....but also on the inside? That is just the best! Now, does it also make me want to scream and claw my face? Yes. :-) Terri Sloan....

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  5. love this post... and love YOU more!- pollye

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