nothing new here, so i don't really know why i'm writing. i think i'm bored and attempting to sort out my thoughts, and writing is how i do it. and i wanted you to know i'm not in a pit of depression (since you know i have those tendencies) :). to be honest with you, life is a little boring right now. does anybody else feel like the past 4 weeks have lasted 6 years? i feel like i've been pregnant for 12 years already. how am i only 10 1/2 weeks?! it's one of those times...and i go through it every 6 months or so, where i say "what's the point of life?". not in a suicidal sense. more like ecclesiastes. every once in awhile, life just feels boring and mundane. every day of being a mom convinces me that it's the hardest job on the planet, and i've never felt so exhausted in my life as over these past 4 years, and especially these past few pregnant weeks. do other moms ever feel like you'll never survive long enough to raise your kids and send them off? 18 years seems like sooooo looooooong. then i cry thinking about how k and b have grown up so fast.
i wanted to be a mom because i thought it suited the things i like to do. have i told yall this before? i thought it would be so fun to stay at home all day and get to go to the gym when i wanted to and watch tv when i wanted to and read magazines while they frolicked about the house. basically it catered well to me. i forgot i would produce sinful little people who i would have to discipline all.day.long. today's just been one of those days. i feel like i try to make every day so fun, but somehow the attitude of little miss turns south each and every time. how many times can you discipline each day before you just give up and say "turn out how you want to?!". because that's what i want to yell some days. and that's all by 10 in the morning. how can one little kid's will be so hard to break? yes, i'm talking about you-know-who, and i know yall are sick of hearing about her, but i can't tell her that i'm about to go crazy and i'm pretty sure my family and friends are sick of hearing about how at a loss i am or how to stop the all day battles. i try to tell her i'm sick so she'll feel sorry for me, but i think her capacity for empathy is a negative 5. it's been so constant today that kennedy asked me this morning if i was ever going to leave blakely. it broke my heart to think that she would actually ever worry about that. i guess she sensed the exhaustion.
being sick has slowed life down a lot, and made for an unusual amount of time at home. going anywhere with k and b in tow sounds exhausting right now, but it's been good to find creative ways to fill the time. i hate using the term "fill the time", but i kind of feel like that's what i'm doing. it just goes along with life's monotany right now. i know i'm being a debbie downer and not focusing on my many blessings. i'll get to that in a few days i'm sure; this is just where i am right now. this whole monologue is not to complain or make you feel sorry for me. i know most people have it waaaaaay worse than me. no comparison. my whole point is to share with you (or maybe moreso with myself) the depths of my sin and the way i struggle in trying to live life abundantly. i know the truth of my blessings and i know that if i lived out of that truth, i would be so happy you couldn't stand to be around me. you would beg me to find a problem to have. but why do i get so bored when i'm living my "dream life"? i've talked before about my previous medicating strategies, and how they've gotten me through life without having to face real issues, and i think i'm just still dealing with those. i'm bored with everything that's normally fun. tv is trash and pretty much anything on is inappropriate to have on with k and b in the room (and i can only take so much sid and super why), shopping is pointless with my ridiculously large and ever-growing belly, i can only come up with so many crafts to entertain k and b, cooking makes me sick, and i don't have the energy to hang out with people. i do this to myself, where i crawl in a hole when i'm tired because it seems to take so much energy to have a conversation, and isolate myself from the world. i know i need to run to the lord and ask him to fill me (always the last resort after all of my medicating strategies fail. ha!), but i'm just not at a point of brokenness. i keep sitting down to try and talk to and connect with god, and it's just not happening. obviously my deal and not his, and i know he just wants me to sit for awhile and see my sin long enough to feel sorry for it, then look to him and see how very much he loves me and forgives me. but i'm ok with mediocracy right now and i hate that. i don't want to take the mental energy to think about what's hiding in the depths of my heart. part of monotany for me is also not struggling with the typical "big sins". when i'm apathetic, i don't really struggle with the usual materialism or gossip or vanity because i just don't really care that much about anything. that makes it easy to not see how dirty my heart is and fail to still see the little minute by minute sins i hide in my heart. repentance doesn't seem as necessary, but in not seeing my sin, i'm not seeing my need for the gospel (i.e. a savior). but when the gospel has been revealed to you, and you've experienced the riches of it, living life without feeling it's power leaves a pretty obvious void. i know it won't last forever and soon i'll be sick of it and to a point of desperation, but for now i'm just living each day to get through it. i'm not really living my life, and i know it because i have no life to breathe into anybody else. i'm bored and i'm boring, but i'm a performer and want to be something to people to feel loved, and since i don't have anything to give i stay alone. the real miracle in all of this is i don't feel depressed. even in that, i can see god's work in my life. i know depression fully, and it's not the same as feeling bored and lifeless. the depression thing has been a huge picture of god's faithfulness to me because i went off of my lexapro as soon as i found out i was pregnant because i didn't feel safe feeding it to my fetus. i was a raging bitch (very sorry for the language, but there's no sweet way to put it) for 2 weeks...seriously, if you would have seen how snappy i was to brett and k and b you would disown me as your friend or family member...but once my angry phase was over, i've done really, really well without it, and felt normal again. i've been scared of coming off of it since i started it, so it's a huge relief to know i can function without meds. i'm starting to pray now that i don't experience post-partum depression again after this little one is born and can be off of it forever.
so i just re-read all of this and these are the most random thoughts and nothing really seems to have a point. goes along with how i feel about life right now :) sometimes even i think i'm weird for the things i share on this blog, but if i'm going to tell you about the fun i have with my cute little family, you'll never have a complete picture of what life in our home really looks like if i don't share the thoughts that aren't so fun to hear about. i know i incriminate myself with some of the things i say and set myself up for criticism and a reputation as miss negative, but i don't want to pretend like my life is something it's not. i did that for way too many (exhausting) years. hiding makes me tired. i'm a deep thinker by nature (atleast that's what i always show up as on those personality tests), so if reading my thoughts wear you out, imagine having to think them (and i only share a fraction of them) ;) sometimes i wish this blog was anonymous so i could avoid the reputation i set myself up for.
since i'm queen of random thoughts today, has anyone else ever read the book "love you forever" to your kids without crying? pregnant? oh my gosh, i was a mess this morning reading that to k and b. they thought my sobbing was hilarious, but that book gets me every time. even after an hour long battle (including 3 spankings, time alone in her room, and what seemed like hours of talking) i had with b trying to get her to break and repent for something she said to me. how can you love your kids so much even when they drive you crazy?! if you don't have the book, you've got to get it.
the good news now is i feel better. writing is so therapeutic for me, and i knew i was blah but didn't really know what i was thinking. thanks for listening and being my therapist ;)