Thursday, May 13, 2010

bored

nothing new here, so i don't really know why i'm writing. i think i'm bored and attempting to sort out my thoughts, and writing is how i do it. and i wanted you to know i'm not in a pit of depression (since you know i have those tendencies) :). to be honest with you, life is a little boring right now. does anybody else feel like the past 4 weeks have lasted 6 years? i feel like i've been pregnant for 12 years already. how am i only 10 1/2 weeks?! it's one of those times...and i go through it every 6 months or so, where i say "what's the point of life?". not in a suicidal sense. more like ecclesiastes. every once in awhile, life just feels boring and mundane. every day of being a mom convinces me that it's the hardest job on the planet, and i've never felt so exhausted in my life as over these past 4 years, and especially these past few pregnant weeks. do other moms ever feel like you'll never survive long enough to raise your kids and send them off? 18 years seems like sooooo looooooong. then i cry thinking about how k and b have grown up so fast.

i wanted to be a mom because i thought it suited the things i like to do. have i told yall this before? i thought it would be so fun to stay at home all day and get to go to the gym when i wanted to and watch tv when i wanted to and read magazines while they frolicked about the house. basically it catered well to me. i forgot i would produce sinful little people who i would have to discipline all.day.long. today's just been one of those days. i feel like i try to make every day so fun, but somehow the attitude of little miss turns south each and every time. how many times can you discipline each day before you just give up and say "turn out how you want to?!". because that's what i want to yell some days. and that's all by 10 in the morning. how can one little kid's will be so hard to break? yes, i'm talking about you-know-who, and i know yall are sick of hearing about her, but i can't tell her that i'm about to go crazy and i'm pretty sure my family and friends are sick of hearing about how at a loss i am or how to stop the all day battles. i try to tell her i'm sick so she'll feel sorry for me, but i think her capacity for empathy is a negative 5. it's been so constant today that kennedy asked me this morning if i was ever going to leave blakely. it broke my heart to think that she would actually ever worry about that. i guess she sensed the exhaustion.

being sick has slowed life down a lot, and made for an unusual amount of time at home. going anywhere with k and b in tow sounds exhausting right now, but it's been good to find creative ways to fill the time. i hate using the term "fill the time", but i kind of feel like that's what i'm doing. it just goes along with life's monotany right now. i know i'm being a debbie downer and not focusing on my many blessings. i'll get to that in a few days i'm sure; this is just where i am right now. this whole monologue is not to complain or make you feel sorry for me. i know most people have it waaaaaay worse than me. no comparison. my whole point is to share with you (or maybe moreso with myself) the depths of my sin and the way i struggle in trying to live life abundantly. i know the truth of my blessings and i know that if i lived out of that truth, i would be so happy you couldn't stand to be around me. you would beg me to find a problem to have. but why do i get so bored when i'm living my "dream life"? i've talked before about my previous medicating strategies, and how they've gotten me through life without having to face real issues, and i think i'm just still dealing with those. i'm bored with everything that's normally fun. tv is trash and pretty much anything on is inappropriate to have on with k and b in the room (and i can only take so much sid and super why), shopping is pointless with my ridiculously large and ever-growing belly, i can only come up with so many crafts to entertain k and b, cooking makes me sick, and i don't have the energy to hang out with people. i do this to myself, where i crawl in a hole when i'm tired because it seems to take so much energy to have a conversation, and isolate myself from the world. i know i need to run to the lord and ask him to fill me (always the last resort after all of my medicating strategies fail. ha!), but i'm just not at a point of brokenness. i keep sitting down to try and talk to and connect with god, and it's just not happening. obviously my deal and not his, and i know he just wants me to sit for awhile and see my sin long enough to feel sorry for it, then look to him and see how very much he loves me and forgives me. but i'm ok with mediocracy right now and i hate that. i don't want to take the mental energy to think about what's hiding in the depths of my heart. part of monotany for me is also not struggling with the typical "big sins". when i'm apathetic, i don't really struggle with the usual materialism or gossip or vanity because i just don't really care that much about anything. that makes it easy to not see how dirty my heart is and fail to still see the little minute by minute sins i hide in my heart. repentance doesn't seem as necessary, but in not seeing my sin, i'm not seeing my need for the gospel (i.e. a savior). but when the gospel has been revealed to you, and you've experienced the riches of it, living life without feeling it's power leaves a pretty obvious void. i know it won't last forever and soon i'll be sick of it and to a point of desperation, but for now i'm just living each day to get through it. i'm not really living my life, and i know it because i have no life to breathe into anybody else. i'm bored and i'm boring, but i'm a performer and want to be something to people to feel loved, and since i don't have anything to give i stay alone. the real miracle in all of this is i don't feel depressed. even in that, i can see god's work in my life. i know depression fully, and it's not the same as feeling bored and lifeless. the depression thing has been a huge picture of god's faithfulness to me because i went off of my lexapro as soon as i found out i was pregnant because i didn't feel safe feeding it to my fetus. i was a raging bitch (very sorry for the language, but there's no sweet way to put it) for 2 weeks...seriously, if you would have seen how snappy i was to brett and k and b you would disown me as your friend or family member...but once my angry phase was over, i've done really, really well without it, and felt normal again. i've been scared of coming off of it since i started it, so it's a huge relief to know i can function without meds. i'm starting to pray now that i don't experience post-partum depression again after this little one is born and can be off of it forever.

so i just re-read all of this and these are the most random thoughts and nothing really seems to have a point. goes along with how i feel about life right now :) sometimes even i think i'm weird for the things i share on this blog, but if i'm going to tell you about the fun i have with my cute little family, you'll never have a complete picture of what life in our home really looks like if i don't share the thoughts that aren't so fun to hear about. i know i incriminate myself with some of the things i say and set myself up for criticism and a reputation as miss negative, but i don't want to pretend like my life is something it's not. i did that for way too many (exhausting) years. hiding makes me tired. i'm a deep thinker by nature (atleast that's what i always show up as on those personality tests), so if reading my thoughts wear you out, imagine having to think them (and i only share a fraction of them) ;) sometimes i wish this blog was anonymous so i could avoid the reputation i set myself up for.

since i'm queen of random thoughts today, has anyone else ever read the book "love you forever" to your kids without crying? pregnant? oh my gosh, i was a mess this morning reading that to k and b. they thought my sobbing was hilarious, but that book gets me every time. even after an hour long battle (including 3 spankings, time alone in her room, and what seemed like hours of talking) i had with b trying to get her to break and repent for something she said to me. how can you love your kids so much even when they drive you crazy?! if you don't have the book, you've got to get it.

the good news now is i feel better. writing is so therapeutic for me, and i knew i was blah but didn't really know what i was thinking. thanks for listening and being my therapist ;)

7 comments:

  1. 1. I love you forever is one of my all time favs. And I cried reading it long before I got pregnant.

    2. the word vacuum comes to mind. I tell Ross all the time "I exhaust myself." The toll of the roller coaster is greater on ourselves than even our poor spouses. I often wish for a vacuum just to suck out the never.ending.thoughts. Whew. God bless ya love.

    3.http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/2010/05/dailyness.html

    take a peek at that. I can't quite relate to it yet but have a feeling my time is coming!

    Thanks for the honesty. Truly.

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  2. As always, i enjoy (because i relate to) your blog. Thank you for your honesty. And i promise (i'm not just saying this to have something to "connect" with you over), I often feel EXACTLY the same way. I wonder why Jeff puts up with me, why God allows me to remain His in my complacency and refusal to deal with my issues, and why i have even one friend.
    But i know what you mean about even though those things sound depressing, be gratful that you're not depressed. Sometimes Jeff says "i think you're the only person i know who just doesnt want to be happy"... because i want things to be perfect. That doesnt mean that i dont love my life in its imperfect state or that i actually think i'll ever reach "perfection", but its something this only child strives for and cant seem to get to. So he thinks i'm a debbie downer for it. Yet, he loves me anyways. Amazing.
    We are blessed, girlie :-)

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  3. i didn't know you were pregnant! congrats :) hope to see you guys soon. p.s. i can only imagine that you are the most beautiful little preggo!

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  4. and obviously that means i haven't caught up on my blogs lately!!

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  5. Hey Nicole. I just started reading your blog a few weeks ago. I know we never really knew each other in high school or even talked, but I can definitely relate to you now!! I, myself am pregnant. And I'm only 15 weeks and look like I'm going on 7 months. I get this look of "oh my" when people ask me when I'm due and I tell them Nov. 2nd...because I AM SO BIG. And I feel, as well, like I have been pregnant forever! I found out really early that I was pregnant...because no pregnancy for me is going to let me go without being sick...throwing up all day long. Now, I have to admit the sickness has gotten way better...now I'm just sick in the mornings....hate it, but it's better than all day. However, I still feel that exhaustion. Each day after work I want to just come home and go to sleep. Even though I haven't seen Connor and Kayla all day, I still want to isolate myself...just be left alone to lay in my exhaustion!! And as soon as Derek gets home, I usually turn it in for the night. Completely neglecting all of them. I feel so guilty, but can't get over it. I wish sometimes that this 10 months would hurry up and be over. Then I start thinking that if that happens, I will miss 10 months of Connor and Kayla's lives as well. And they grow up way to fast for that. I as well take Lexapro, not many people at all know this, but I feel like I could share with you. And it's making me feel better to talk to someone who I feel like is on the same page...rather than someone who totally doesn't understand. (Derek) Don't get me wrong, he is the greatest, sweetest, husband and father in the whole world and if I didn't have him I would not be making it right now...but he doesn't get it. So I'm not feeling depressed either, just exhausted and not wanting to do anything. I however, did not quit my lexapro, for the same reason of, I am totally scared to quit. I don't know what will happen and I am too chicken to find out. I should feel truly blessed right now for the fact that I am pregnant and was able to get that way quickly because there are so many people out there that can't at all. Yet, I still manage to complain about the fact that I am pregnant. I wanted to be...but now I'm hating it! Only because it makes me so miserable. My body does not agree with being pregnant....and that makes it very hard. I too have been struggling with being faithful to my Lord and Savior. I just have no desire right now to read the Bible or get up early enough on Sunday to go to church. And I can feel the effects of not having Him so close in my life and being more at a distance. I know He still loves me no matter what. And I continue to set the alarm for church on Sunday, but continue to turn it off week after week because sleep seems so much more appealing. But I am hoping and praying that my distance from the One that has blessed me so will be short lived. And once AGAIN He will forgive me. So, now that I have complained to you, I feel better :) Nonetheless, I hope you get to feeling better soon! <3

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  6. Nicole~ It is always very real to read your blog. I don't think I struggle with depression or anything like that (thankfully, and sorrowfully for those who do), but there are mundane days to being a mom. There are days where we get through it. There are days when no matter the discipline strategy, little hardheaded mini's are just going to have their days - as we all do.
    The entries that you feel are negative are reassuring to all of us who follow you that we aren't alone, even though we have our Lord. We have each other as moms to rejoice and commiserate with. Thanks for being real - especially on the "realest" days.

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  7. i love my gloomy saturday morning blog catch up time :) can't wait to see you soon, so we can talk in person.. but just wanted you to know that your honesty and vulnerability never tires your freinds. in fact, it refreshes us and allows us to be honest and think deeper about ourselves. this blog is such a gift for everyone (mothers, mothers to be, everyone who longs to know people and be known more truly) so thanks for sharing, sweet friend. love you!! oh, and i read "love you forever" to my class before we started a mother's day project and i totally cried! one student told his mom, "miss olson cries when she reads that book!".

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