Monday, April 26, 2010

checking in

so, i think i haven't been writing because i don't want to lie and talk about pregnancy bliss. i really am so, so thankful for the opportunity to be pregnant again and (hopefully) welcome baby lane #3 into this world, but i sure pay for these kids. i don't want to complain because i'm so scared of something happening and me losing the baby, then wishing more than anything that i could be sick every day just so i could be pregnant, but as of now, each day is marked by praying that it goes by quickly so i can go to sleep and forget the nausea. i really don't want to wish the next 7 months away because that means missing sweet moments in k and b's life that i'll never get back. i hate how snappy i've been with them, and i'm tired of saying "can you go away and play together? that's why god gave you a twin" when they ask me to order at their restaurant. they've eaten nothing but processed and fast food since the little butter bean started growing in me, and i'm a firm believer in the way kids eating negatively affecting their behavior, which has certainly seemed to be the case in our youngest (sweet blakely, always keeping things exciting).

on a positive note, these are the times i'm reminded how incredibly sweet my husband is. he waits on me hand and foot and has taken up so much of the slack i've left with k and b, and calls each day to take my "order" on dinner. he hasn't complained about our ridiculous credit card bill, which reflects my ever-changing "i think i might could eat that when i order it at the drive thru but by the time i get to the window to pick it up it sounds gross and i have to find something else" phase. i'm thankful to not have to go to work each day and to have someone that never complains when i call him every 30 minutes just to make sure he knows i'm still sick. and i'm thankful for my sweet mother-in-law who knows the gag reflex i have when i get around raw meat and is bringing freezer dinners tomorrow so the processed food phase can finally end and i can be put out of the guilt-induced misery i'm in over what i'm feeding my family. if i knew the nausea would be over at the end of this trimester, i think i could do it and not be discouraged, but if my pregnancy with k and b was any indication, it'll be here another 7 months. so while it's not very fun right now, i definitely have the best case scenario if you're gonna be sick. i'll never understand those who make it through pregnancy without getting sick. so lucky. but i'm sure there are those who will never understand someone like me complaining for even a minute when the gift god has given me isn't given to everyone. so that's why i've been in hiding. i don't want to complain because i know in my head it's nothing but a blessing. at the same time, i don't feel like "rejoicing" in the nausea, so i think i'll just wait until i feel better to say much at all. i'm thankful to atleast have k and b in my face each day to remind me how very worth it it all is. even on their worst days (and there are some bad ones), i know that i'd go through this every day for the rest of my life to have these sweet little angels...

8 comments:

  1. praying for you! i am glad your hubby is there to take good care of yall!

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  2. Nicole, First off, CONGRATULATIONS on being pregnant, I have been out of the loop! Secondly, I am SO sorry you are going through this too! I was VERY sick myself for the first 19 weeks, throwing up 5-6 times a day, was only one of my complaints. I seriously thought I might die! One day I will share it all, but for now I will be sure to keep you and your family in my prayers... it's all still so fresh in my memory! Love you Nicole!

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  3. Oh I hate pregnancy nausea and I cursed it everyday for 16 weeks both time and Im with you - I don't get it how not everyone feels it! But.....atleast it reminds you that little butterbean is moving and growing. I would love to bring you dinner or take the girls out for lunch. Dont feel guilty...I know it's hard not to but don't add that stress to your body. You would be an amazing mother even if you never got out of bed because of the example of love and joy you give those girls and this new one. Okay, I want to see you soon! Let me know how we can help.

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  4. So sorry your sick, but CONGRATS!! Go ahead and complain. :) I'm one of those that didn't get sick (badly, just slight nausea) and loved pregnancy, but I'm sure I would have complained if I had been sick. I'm also one of those who have said I'd be sick every day to just be pregnant...so from that end I "give" you permission to complain (but believe me I really don't want to be sick, just the end result). I think we all know that the end result is worth it, but sometimes you just need to complain. :) Praying it goes by quickly, but not too quickly so that you miss out on things.

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  5. Us women, I swear! If we are not feeling guilty about something we are not breathing. Motherhood is the greatest gift God gives, I truly believe. And the extra bonus of being gifted with the ability to have them ourselves, whoa! But the Lord knows and understands every one of our pains to get to that babe. I would even say he is okay with our sometimes (minutely, for me) complaints. I KNOW His mama would agree :) Anyway- we pay a price for our loves, just like Mary did, and just like her, the babe we bring into the world will make it a better place. Okay- enough rambling. No more guilt please! Your daughters will find this baby worth every minute of the changes in their lives!

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  6. Nicole,

    It must run in the family...I was very sick too and I feel your pain. Even though it's been 9 years, you never forget how miserable it really is. What made it worse for me, was my Mama chirping in about how she "had never felt better in her life when she was pregnant!" Hang in there, if you need a break one afternoon, please come by and visit. Dawson, Kaci and Rylee would love to play with the girls!

    Mandi
    PS, I don't know how to log in, so I guess I'm anonymous... :)

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  7. Oh girl. I feel your pain. Unintentional bulemia is not cool. I know you will be relieved to know the bean is happy and healthy when he/she makes the grand debut! We are happy for yall and feeling for you. I pray it goes quickly and that you are able to function for K&B. <3 Lou Ellen

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  8. Oh, bless your heart. I feel so bad for you! And God understands- being bummed about feeling terrible won't jinx you. Just keep staying healthy for that baby. We'll keep praying.

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